Freshman Boys Use a Labor Simulator

Hello mums, 

This is coming a couple weeks after Mothers Day, but Kole W. and Brooks C., both of the freshman class, want you to know they appreciate you. At the behest of senior Cole R., these two began Morning Meeting last Monday with an ode to mothers everywhere. Thanking their own mothers, they proceeded to untangle what looked to be an electronic stimulation unit, the kind athletic trainers use to treat muscle soreness.

In shaky, knowing voices, they explained the device was, in fact, a labor simulator. That is, a device which induces muscle contractions to provide a very diluted simulation of what it’s like to deliver a child. The device exists primarily for the benefit and education of men who believe themselves tough enough to endure childbirth, and for the amusement of those who get to watch these men writhe in pain. 

There are ten intensity levels on the unit, and as Kole and Brooks transitioned between slides they would bump the intensity. I wondered why there were ten levels and only six slides in the presentation, and got my answer soon enough. You see, beyond level six, these two couldn’t speak. Levels seven and eight looked agonizing. At nine and ten they were completely non-vocal, doubled over in unpleasant sensation.