BREAKING NEWS: TEENAGER CATCHES MYSTERIOUS DISEASE
World’s top researchers are currently
attempting to evaluate the matter
There have been many startling cases of irrational behavior among adolescents in the past few years, as unproductivity among those from ages ranging from pre-pubescent to pubescent, and in some extreme cases, post-pubescent, is at an all time high. This global epidemic is one of the most serious causes of procrastination that the world has likely ever seen. Symptoms of this horrendous plague have not yet been officially elucidated, but some of them may include: prodigious sleeping and/or eating; watching seasons of tv shows within unhealthy spans of time; wanting to “play” with “friends”; engaging of video-based gaming; rebelliousness, and the strange urge to give people (especially adults) a hard time.
Many parents are reminded in recent times of the serious 2004 outbreak of “CaVI-T Syndrome” where children as young as 5 or 6 would not willingly go to the dentist.
Why anyone wouldn’t wish to assume the numerous amounts of responsibilities and burdens of adult life is still a mystery to specialists, although some say that this same characteristic is found in people who tend to eat more ice cream. The U.S. Government has since sprinkled trillions of dollars into ice cream research since last Sundae, as President Obama referred to in a press conference earlier today: “We have to stay firm as a country in these trying times, and it is of the utmost importance that we neither melt nor split, so as to not take a licking.” To put the cherry on top, President Obama went on to state that ice cream has been made illegal in an attempt to freeze the outbreak. All production of it has since ceased, following further remarks from the president: “We must be as indivisible as a very structurally sound geometric shape, such as a cone, for instance.”
In a recent interview with Ben, (Jerry was unavailable) the now-unemployed 63 year-old pathogen maker stated that he started showing symptoms as early as age 10. “What kid in their right mind would want to sit around and do things they don’t feel like doing? Not me. I’d rather eat ice cream.” Ben is currently being investigated by the FBI in connection with multiple counts of lackadaisicality, conspiring to commit procrastination, and production of a dangerous substance.
Whether this worldwide phenomenon will come to pass is still up in the air, but one thing’s for sure: nobody is safe.
- Hunter Bachmann, REPORTING FOR THE DAILY CHIVE